Assertive Driving in South London

For reasons that will become evident, the names of the Funeral Director, their staff, and the location of the Crematorium have not been disclosed.

 Vintage Lorry Funerals was booked for a South London funeral by a lovely Family who sadly believed that they hadn’t done enough for their Dad towards the end of his life and consequently they wanted to ensure that he had a great send off. David Hall’s wife was involved in detailed planning for the funeral at an early stage as there was no parking allowed outside the Funeral Home, which was surrounded by double red lines. Luckily internet research identified an area marked ‘loading only’ on part of the road in an adjoining street and after some involved discussions the local Council reserved the facility and reluctantly waived their normal charge.

The Deceased had been an avid Arsenal Fan, with the ‘Arsenal Shield’ being the centrepiece of the display in which every Floral Tribute was red & white. So in the heartland of Crystal Palace Fans, David was loading Arsenal themed flowers, however, no derogatory remarks were made by passersby. David took pictures and sent them to Arsenal F.C. who featured the funeral in a Match Day Programme and it is understood that Arsene Wenger was very happy about the respect shown for his club south of the river.

David had longer than usual to take pictures because the three limousines that were booked to follow the 1950 Leyland Beaver were running late. It was Friday afternoon, the funeral was booked for the last slot at the Crematorium, however, the limousine drivers were on their 4^th job of the day and were delayed. In these situations David doesn’t get stressed out and remembers one of his old Dad’s sayings, ‘Don’t worry about things that you can do nowt about.’

Eventually the limousine drivers arrived, the coffin was loaded and although 45 minutes had originally been allocated to travel from the Funeral Home to the house, only 15 minutes were left. The task looked impossible to everyone involved and the mood amongst everybody was very low.

The female Funeral Director, who had worked with David before, paged the cortege onto the busy main road, turning right across two lanes of oncoming traffic and into the right hand lane as a right turn was required at the traffic lights one hundred yards down the road. As David approached the lights he noticed that there was no specific right turn filter light and given the high volume of oncoming traffic he would have to wait until the light went from green to red and then move across the two lanes, this type of operation has been sanctioned by Police in South London.

However, as David waited at the traffic lights showing a red light he knew that waiting for a gap would loose further time that he didn’t have in the first place. He looked across the yellow lined box junction towards a Bus in the first lane and a car in the outside lane alongside the Bus, and he put the Leyland Beaver in a high gear. When the light turned green, David let out the clutch and the 1950 Leyland Beaver shot out into the oncoming traffic. The Bus Driver realised what David was doing and stopped, however, the car alongside the Bus didn’t stop and a collision seemed imminent. The Funeral Director, sitting in the passenger seat, was petrified, but luckily the car stopped and David continued across the boxed junction, seeing in his wing mirrors that the three limousines had followed the Leyland Beaver.

Near the Crystal Palace ground there was a steep inclined road with cars parked on the left hand side of the road. With a stream of cars coming down the hill towards the Leyland Beaver, the sensible thing to have done would have been to wait at the bottom of the hill until a gap appeared in the traffic. However, David sensed that the road was just wide enough for three vehicles and he put his foot down and the Leyland Beaver shot up the hill doing 28 miles per hour. Experienced drivers coming down the hill got over and David passed by with only inches to spare. Inexperienced drivers panicked and some mounted the pavement to get out of the way.

David pulled up at the house 30 seconds earlier than planned with the Family oblivious to the problems and the journey that was originally planned for 45 minutes was actually achieved in 14.5 minutes. David got out of the cab as if nothing had happened to see if any extra flowers were at the house. The Lead Driver from the first limousine didn’t go to the Family as normal but rushed towards David and gave him a huge hug, ‘I ain’t never seen assertive driving like that.’

Leaving the house the Funeral Director was using her Sat Nav and said to David, ‘Tom, Tom says turn left.’ David said, ‘Dave, Dave says straight across,’ cognisant that his detailed research had highlighted that taking the second left rather than the first left was advantageous due to wider streets.

On the way to the Crematorium the Lead Driver in the first limousine flashed his lights repeatedly signifying that David should stop. Unfortunately the 3D Lorry and Trailer Floral Tribute which was ever so lifelike was becoming more real than expected in that the ‘Cab’ was beginning to tilt as if the ‘Lorry’ was being serviced. The Lead Driver asked David, ‘How are we going to fix this?’ David said, ‘No problem’, taking out a length of green wire and two small polystyrene sheets from his tool box. The ‘Cab’ was straightened and secured in no time and the Lead Driver said, ‘You have done that better than Macgyver!’

As the cortege entered the Crematorium David sensed that something was about to happen as before the limousines had come to a stop the doors were being flung open and mourners were racing to confront a group of people all holding yellow flowers. There were fists flying, the language was atrocious and that was only the women! The people with the yellow flowers started to throw individual stems towards the coffin on the deck. One of the mourners instructed David to climb up onto the deck and stop the yellow flowers landing amongst the red ones. The yellow stems rained down like French arrows at the Battle of Hastings and David was struggling manfully to catch each one in flight. Onlookers oblivious to the dangerous and inflammable situation may have thought it was like a scene from ‘It’s a Knockout’ which was on TV screens during the 70’s & 80’s.

David was astounded when the diminutive female Funeral Director got between two burly men and begged them to stop fighting. She then requested the people with the yellow flowers should not enter the chapel and respect the wishes of the mourners. Then for the first time in 10 minutes order was restored and silence prevailed. David gathered up the yellow flowers into a nice bunch and thought that he would take them home for his wife. However, David’s good intentions were undone in 10 seconds when one of the mourners stamped on the flowers. David learnt that the Family lived at some distance from the Deceased and it was alleged that some of the people with the yellow flowers had developed an unacceptable relationship with the Deceased and it was also alleged that some of the Deceased’s funds may have been misappropriated.

The Lead Driver from the first limousine came up to David and shook his hands saying, ‘Thank you for all your efforts today, we were in a huge hole but the actions you took saved the day and saved our bacon!’                        

A West Wales Funeral

One Saturday afternoon in January David Hall received a phone call from Maldwyn Lewis, a Funeral Director in Rhydlewis in West Wales near the coast south-west of New Quay. Maldwyn had four Brothers with him and he requested a price for a Saturday afternoon funeral. As normal David did his due diligence before working out the price, taking into account the mileage, fuel and accommodation costs.

Whilst Maldwyn was waiting with the four Brothers for David to return his call, he counselled them that running a vintage lorry wasn’t cheap, he knew because he was also a part owner in a local Coach Company. Maldwyn gave the Brothers what he thought would be the likely cost, however, everyone was pleasantly surprised when David’s price was almost 30% less than Maldwyn had suggested from his experience in the funeral industry.

The week before the funeral Maldwyn told David that a TV Company would like to film the funeral and interview him for a forthcoming BBC Wales TV programme. David spoke to Geraint Rhys Jones of GRJ Media and he was assured that the filming would be discreet and would be part of a dignified programme.

Given the funeral was in January with snow and heavy frosts predicted, David contacted Steve Hunt, an HGV Driver, whose family had used the 1950 Leyland Beaver on two occasions, to provide information which can determined which route David will take. Steve told David that although the A40 through Brecon is gritted the incidence of snow on the high ground should dictate the use of the A48. ‘Keep to the coast Dave,’ was Steve’s final word.

The Leyland Beaver glided down David’s street on a bitterly cold January day at 0445 hours. David took the Old Severn Bridge and went to Chepstow, picking up the A48 which he would then be on for most of the journey. Traffic was light around the south of Newport at 0630 hours and David planned to stop just before Cardiff for his paper. However, coming down the hill towards Castleton, water running across the road had frozen and as David eased off the throttle the back end of the Leyland Beaver twitched. David and his lorry are well known at this Shell Service Station and when David expressed his concerns about the garage refurbishment which was preventing access to the pumps the owner reassured David. ‘When are you coming back?’ the owner asked and David replied he would be back from West Wales by around 2000 hours the following day. The owner said, ‘I’ll have at least one pump open for you, diesel at 109 pence per litre.’ (4 pence cheaper than other Service Stations in Wales.)

Previously David had telephoned Pyle Garden Centre to enquire whether he could use their café and toilet facilities at around 1100 hours, however, the Leyland Beaver made better time than expected and David was outside at 0845 hours keen to use the toilet and café, in that order, when the site opened for business. The A48 road comes to an abrupt end in Briton Ferry with vehicles being forced onto the M4, where vehicles were moving at speed overhead, or to take the A483 into Swansea and then out again on this road before rejoining the A48 at Penllergaer. David went through Pontarddulais and for the next 10 miles the A48 runs alongside the M4 before the two roads merge into the A48 after Pont Abraham Services.

David took the bypass around Carmarthen before doubling back to the hospital and taking the A484 to Llandysul. The Leyland Beaver arrived at the Lewis Rhydlewis Coach Garage at 1245 hours and was quickly put undercover, into a place which Maldwyn Lewis had cleared, just before the rain started. As Maldwyn was out on a funeral, David has his lunch with Meirion, Maldwyn’s Step Brother and his Mechanics. Everyone around the table, from the youngest to the oldest, had an apple in their sandwich box, however, David explained that his choice of Jazz apples was not down to taste but their cylindrical shape which ensured that they fitted well in his bait box, to use David’s North Eastern vernacular. David was surprised to learn that certain Councils in West Wales demand that the Coach carrying the student should be younger that those riding in it and this leads to buses retiring early in their lives. In this part of Wales, Welsh is the native tongue for most people and David felt that he was in a foreign country

Maldwyn took David to meet Huw Davies, one of the Brothers, who said ‘We heard that you were on your way past Carmarthen, we got a text from someone visiting the hospital’. Huw was concerned when he found out that David was intending to drive home after the funeral and he offered to pay for the extra cost in the hotel for David to stay a second night. However, David was confident that he could get home within the 15 hours shift, which is the maximum working day for a current HGV Driver.

David spent the morning with Maldwyn and his wife Carys Ann at their home which is above their funeral offices. Carys explained that she was the Church Minister for 7 churches in the locality, handling 4 services at specific intervals one Sunday and three the next. She also explained that she would be conducting the service for the Deceased who David would be carrying on his lorry and that the service would in Welsh and English and she would not make the English a direct literal translation because that would bore those who spoke both languages. David told Carys Ann that the difficulties she had to endure made his 15 hour day seem like a stroll in the park. The presence of multi-linguists took David back to the 1980’s when he worked at Zellik near Brussels on the dividing line between the Flemish and French speaking regions. The managers at the depot came from the more affluent Flemish region and despite being bilingual they spoke in Flemish to the Cleaner who could only speak French. When David entered the depot he said, ‘Bonjour, ca va bien?’ to the Cleaner who was so stunned that a manager had spoken French she didn’t reply. What the Cleaner didn’t know was that David couldn’t speak Flemish and what David didn’t know was that he had made a political gesture. In 1999 when David was undertaking some consultancy work on the use of pallets he telephoned the depot in Zellik for information and before he could explained what he wanted the Receptionist said, ‘You are Mr. Hall, we will never forget you, you were the only manager to speak French to the Cleaner!’ Whilst language was used as a weapon in Belgium it was used in friendship in this part of Wales.

The Leyland Beaver was followed by 4 Morris Minor Cars, from the local Vintage Club, which carried the mourners, and then two tractors, as the Deceased was passionate about restoring his own Morris Minors and Tractors.

   

David shook hands with Maldwyn and two of the Brothers at 1500 hours and then set off for home. Coming from a side road onto a main road, David was treated to an aerial display from a pair of Red Kites which were only a matter of feet away.

David always seeks to improve his route and coming along the A48 dual carriageway towards the M4 he thought back to his school days and the Maths Teacher who said that the hypotenuse is always less than the sum of the sides on a right angled triangle. So given that it was 1700 hours on a Saturday traffic was light , David, cognisant that the Leyland Beaver was colour blind, he opted to save mileage and tricked the old girl to take the M4 knowing that she would be oblivious to the blue signs.

The Leyland Beaver got off the M4 at junction 42, Briton Ferry, took the A48 and David stopped at Kentucky Fried Chicken on the Bridgend Bypass for his supper. David parked the lorry in the Wickes car park, checked it was alright to do so, and whilst he was waiting in the queue he phoned Mission Control 10 minutes after he had stopped. Unfortunately there had just been a fatal accident on the A48 at Cowbridge, some 10 minutes down the road from Bridgend in the Leyland Beaver. David looked at his watch and realised that he had been lucky and this perhaps was the only situation in this world where a Kentucky Fried Chicken Meal had saved someone’s life. David’s wife had found a cunning detour via Barry, but unfortunately this involved a single track road with no passing places with hedges brushing against the cab. David was not best pleased.

Shell Castleton was open as the owner had promised, 29 gallons of diesel were added to the 55 gallon tank and Tesco Clubcard points were added, which pleased Mission Control.

At 2245 hours David pulled the stop on the Leyland 600 engine and with the Beaver safely in the garage, Mission Control texted Maldwyn, ‘Home Safe’.                    

A Number of Firsts for Vintage Lorry Funerals in Frome

When David Hall in 2002 first started Vintage Lorry Funerals he contacted a number of Funeral Directors close to his Bradford-on-Avon base to ask if they would be interested in taking a Marketing Pack, which includes a framed picture of the 1950 Leyland Beaver. The gentleman who answered the telephone at a Funeral Director in Bath declined to take a Marketing Pack and told David, ‘There will never be a need for your type of vehicle in our part of the city!’ Whereas this would have put off a younger person, David was in his 50’s and has a high level of resilience and conversations like this made him more determined to succeed.

One of the Funeral Directors in Bath that has been most supportive is Carol Spalding who acquired Clarkson’s in 2004. She has transformed the business, building up an excellent reputation and has opened further Funeral Homes in Frome and Saltford.

David Hall was contacted by Dr. Alex Starkie in 2014 and was given his first funeral for Clarkson’s in Frome. It was also the first time that David Hall has ever worked for a former Forensic Scientist and Alex’s attention to detail and quality of planning were transferable skills from her previous employment. The funeral was for a former Coach Driver and as this was the first Bus Driver that David Hall had carried on his lorry, David agreed with a member of the Family that he would create the rear of a School Bus in front of the coffin.

As this was the first time that Vintage Lorry Funerals was asked to go to Mendip Crematorium in Shepton Mallet, David asked that the height under the Porte Cochere be measured. Given that the clearance to the top of the cab was less than 2 inches David decided to visit the site to check whether the slope of the ground would dictate a specific angle of approach. The staff members John and Bethany, at this Dignity facility, were very friendly and were very interested that the Vintage Lorry would be visiting their site. 

David also looked at a number of options for strategic parking around Clarkson’s Frome location. This would allow the lorry to be parked in a  0730-0800 hours window, whilst the Funeral Director was opening up the facility and moving out two vehicles, clearing space to accommodate the 26 feet long Leyland Beaver. Within 100 yards of Clarkson’s there is a property that was previously a Fuel Station but was now manned by Car Washers, who were from Eastern Europe and spoke little English. David gave one of the men a Vintage Lorry Funerals business card, which features a picture of the lorry in action, pointed to Clarkson’s and wrote the date and time that he would require temporary parking on the back of the card.

Two days before the funeral David became aware that his own Father was critically ill and arranged that once he had returned from Shepton Mallet he would immediately drive in his car to Coldsprings Care Home in Penrith.

David left for Frome at 0645 hours and for the first time ever he took no packed lunch with him. The Vintage Lorry arrived at the Washing Facility at 0715 hours and David found that the security chain had been removed, making access possible. As David was reversing into the yard one of the Eastern Europeans, who was starting work, put up his thumb to signify that everything was alright and David reciprocated the gesture. The thumbs up or down gesture is apparently recognised outside Britain, however, it probably originates from Sunday Night at The London Palladium , when Norman Vaughan was the Compare, taking over from Bruce Forsyth in January 1962. Norman used the thumbs up and down gestures with his catch phrase, ‘Swinging or Dodgy’.

Reversing into Clarkson’s facility wasn’t easy given the slope of the road and angle of the wall and David was disappointed that he didn’t get in on his first approach. Alex Starkie was very interested in how the coffin would be loaded onto the vehicle and turned on the deck, and decided to use a Mortuary Trolley, given that only 3 staff were present. This was the first time that when using such facility that the coffin was loaded and turned in the same motion. Alex explained that no limousines had been booked with the Family meeting at Mendip Crematorium. So for the first time the 1950 Leyland Beaver went on its own, from the Funeral Directors to the Crematorium. With no one in the cab with him, David cruised down the A361 and no one tried to come past him, with drivers displaying a high level of respect.

The Mendip Crematorium is situated in open country with the access being on a narrow road out of Shepton Mallet. Just before the entrance, heavy rain the previous day had caused water to stream off the fields and caused a flood on the road and this was the first time that the Leyland Beaver had to go through a stretch of water before a Crematorium.

As David spun the Leyland Beaver under the porte cochere some of the mourners looked aghast worrying that the cab may catch the main support timber of the structure. David smiled and used the thumbs up signal to relate that he would have no problems.

After the funeral David took a picture of Alex Starkie ,on the right, and Bethany Welch, Memorial Consultant at the Mendip Crematorium being on the left. David felt that the picture he took was very interesting as it contained Dr. Alex Starkie, a former Forensic Scientist like those featured in Silent Witness, next to a lady with more than a passing resemblance to Dr Nikki Alexander, of Silent Witness.

From the cab of the Leyland Beaver David sees a lot of interesting wildlife on his travels including badgers, foxes, deer and all types of birds particularly Red Kites in certain parts of the country. Coming north on the A37 out of Shepton Mallet David saw an 8 foot deer fawn for the first time, not in a field but on a concrete plinth outside the Babycham Factory.

When David arrived home he jumped out of the lorry and into his car reaching Coldsprings Care Home at 2200 hours. David’s sister made him a cup of tea to quench his thirst (first) after a long day. David and his wife spent some quality time with his Father before he passed away on a Saturday morning at 0300 hours.

In the Historic Vehicle world there is competitive tension between people who own a bus and those that own a lorry and this manifests itself at gatherings with lorries parked at one end of the tarmac and the buses at the other end. So David was very pleased that he had taken his first Bus Driver on his final journey and he approached Coach & Bus Week to see if an obituary article could be submitted. Gareth Evans, Editor, was very interested and printed 500 words with one picture and he told David that he was keen to push the boundaries in everything he did. He also confirmed that this was the first time a lorry had appeared in Coach & Bus Week.         

Situations encountered on the Road

There is always a massive change in people’s perception when David Hall leaves the crematorium after a funeral. Whilst he is leading the cortege the Family of the Deceased think that his lorry is wonderful, however, when he is out on the open road most people believe that a vintage lorry trundling along at 30 mph is a nuisance at best or an obstruction holding people back which is amplified at both end of the working day. 30 mph was fast in 1950 when the speed limit on lorries over 3 ton was 20 mph, however, it is painfully slow for the modern motorist.

David does detailed planning before a funeral to identify roads which cars can overtake the Leyland Beaver with ease. Lengths of Dual Carriageway on a country road are a Godsend to reduce the frustration of drivers trapped behind the lorry, however, David is often left to encourage people to overtake him on standard roads and his success rate varies with the time of day. In the early morning, Businessmen and White Van Men come past the lorry at the first invitation. David uses his right hand out of the window to wave people past or he makes 3 flashes with his left indicator. A lot of the old A-Roads were 3 lane carriageways in the 1950’s and despite the large volume of white paint creating hatched areas or cycle lanes, the road surface is wide enough for vehicles to travel 3 abreast. David hogs the nearside kerb often using cycle lanes which have seldom any occupants on country roads and encourages people to come past. The Police are happy for David to do this, giving him a thumbs up once as they glided past on the A31 because David was using his initiative to reduce frustration. So before 0800 hours drivers are fearless on 3 lane roads and come past at speed despite an oncoming stream of traffic, but after 0800 hours timid drivers are most reluctant to come past and a queue quickly builds up behind the vintage lorry.

When a queue builds up behind the Leyland Beaver invariably the first car is always driven by ‘Little Miss Timid’ who won’t come past no matter how many invitations David makes. Some misunderstand the meaning behind his 3 flashes from his left indicator and assume that the lorry is about to turn left and brake suddenly causing a potential collision with the cars behind. Normally car number 4 or 5 in the queue has ‘Mister Aggressive’ behind the wheel who will attempt to come past oblivious to the amount of double white lines, blind corners or blind summits.

Three incidents on the road stick in David’s memory of interesting situations he has encountered:-

On his way to a Basingstoke funeral David was on the A303 Dual Carriageway travelling at 28 mph up a gentle slope. David saw in his wing mirror that a Snows Timber lorry had got out into the second lane early and was approaching him at approximately at 50 mph. No problems here, David thought as he got his right hand ready to apply his headlights to signify to the Snows Timber Driver that he was clear and that he could move back into lane one. However, as the Snows Timber Lorry got within 50 yards of the Leyland Beaver, David noticed that a white sports car was undertaking the Snows Timber Lorry and approaching at around 80 mph. A highly dangerous situation existed because David sensed that the white sports car driver would try to come between the Snows Timber Lorry and the Leyland Beaver and that there was a risk that the sports car would crash into either lorry. David steered his lorry into the kerb and kept going as fast as he could. The Snows Timber Driver must also have sensed the danger and he moved his lorry over with one wheel on the central reservation tarmac close to the barrier. The white sports car was in the Snows Timber Lorry Drivers blind spot, the area along the nearside of a lorry which the driver can’t see from his wing mirrors. So at 0645 hours on May 24^th 2013 on the A303 Dual carriageway three vehicles were travelling abreast with only inches between them for a short period of time. David was shattered and feeling guilty that his slow speed was almost the cause of an accident which may have had at least one fatality. Why had the Sports Car Driver been so reckless? Did he feel trapped behind the Snows Timber Lorry getting out early into the second lane? The story doesn’t end there, however, because three miles on in a lay bye the White Sports Car Driver was squaring up to the Snows Timber Lorry Driver. The White Sports car Driver wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer because the Lorry Driver was built like a brick outhouse and there would only be one likely winner.

Coming out of London one Winter’s afternoon after the last slot at Croydon Crematorium it was dark by the time the Vintage Lorry to Guildford and onto the A3. Following the rush hour the traffic died away on the A31 as the Leyland Beaver trundled towards Winchester. The traffic was very light on the A303 and virtually none existent on the A342 over Salisbury Plain. The absence of street lights meant that the stars were visible and in the total darkness all David could see was the beam of light from his Head Lights and the red glow from his Tail Lights. In checking his wing mirror David noticed that a car in the distance was approaching slowly at a speed not much faster than the Leyland Beaver. It reminded David of the scene in ‘Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid’ when they are being tracked through the night by a group of men on horse back holding torches. Robert Redford said to PaulNewman, ‘Who are these guys?’ and David had the same thought. The car came close to the lorry and David invited the driver to come past by the use of his left indicator, however, this didn’t produce a result. So David slid down his window, letting in the cold air, and waving with his hand, but the car still didn’t come past. The car was travelling too close to the lorry and David was concerned that if he had to stop suddenly for a Badger or a Deer the car would run into his lorry. No matter how much David tried to get the car driver to overtake the car would come past which was incongruous because no one else was on the road. The situation persisted for over 15 miles. Just before Stert there is a lay bye so David pulled in, fully expecting the car driver to come past him and continue its journey, but it didn’t. It pulled behind the Leyland Beaver and David was very mad. He jumped out of the cab and walked towards the car anticipating that that the driver would be some young person who had never driven at night before and would benefit from a 5 minute ‘tutorial’ at 2130 hours. However, when he got close to the car he was shocked as the driver was an elderly lady who could hardly see over the steering wheel. Before David could say anything, the old lady said, ‘I know that you want me to come past, but this A342 is a lonely old road and I feel more comfortable travelling behind you!’ David ascertained that the lady was bound for Devizes and invited her to follow him, provided she would keep 20 yards between the vehicles. David set off for Devizes with his ‘trailer’ in tow and signalled to the lady when she needed to turn off for her destination.

                

On his way to a Maidstone funeral, when David approached the village of Brasted, on the A25, he noticed that someone had used a cardboard sign to transpose the ‘R’ and the ‘A’, giving the impression that the village was illegitimate. As the Leyland Beaver entered the centre of the village David saw 5 boys looking menacing, sitting astride their Chopper Bikes, and he wondered if these boys were the perpetrators behind the sign change. Suddenly the biggest boy, who was apparently their leader, thrust his arm forward and the group of 5 Chopper Bikes advanced, swinging around alongside the Leyland Beaver. Before David could realise what was happening, the Leader was in front of his lorry with two riders either side, flanking the deck of the lorry at the mid point and at the rear. The actions of the boys mimicked a motor cavalcade with Police Motorcycle Outriders which is normally reserved for dignitaries such as Barak Obama However, it was highly dangerous having cyclists so close, especially the ones of the nearside who were confined between the lorry and the pavement with only inches to spare. David was relieved when he stopped at the traffic lights as at their Leader’s command the Chopper Bikes came past the lorry and raced off in a 1-2-2 formation down a side road.

A Havant Funeral that became a ‘Missoura’ Boat Ride

Vintage Lorry Funerals undertook two Havant funerals within 5 months in 2014 and the second one was memorable for both good and bad reasons.

When David Hall is booked for a funeral he needs a lot of help regarding the information on flowers. Unlike other Carriage Masters who can cramp their flowers either side of the coffin, and consequently have little need for prior information, David displays Floral Tributes in multi-tiered eye catching displays. In order to achieve this, it is a cardinal requirement that a Florist has the time to talk to David and can accurately describe and measure each Tribute that will be included in the display. Although the Florist in the second Havant funeral produced some exquisite Floral Tributes, she was often in the shop on her own, too busy serving customers to have any detailed discussions with David. David told himself that he would probably experience a ‘Missoura’ Boat Ride.

This expression is derived from the Clint Eastwood film, The Outlaw Josey Wales, which is one of David’s favourites. Josey Wales was a Confederate Soldier who attempts to avenge the murder of his family by Renegade Union Troops. Josey is not the most popular person, being chased by Bounty Hunters and Union Soldiers and a key moment in the film involves a river crossing. The ferry is a raft being pulled along a rope by a Boatman who sings the appropriate song for the people on board. Josey and his companion get across to the sound of ‘I wish I was in Dixie’, however, the posse boards the ferry as soon as it docks on the other side. Josey waits until the raft is in midstream and with the Boatman singing ‘The Battle Hymn of the Republic’, Josey takes his Winchester Rifle and with one shot breaks the rope. As the raft gathers speed with the current, Josey Wales proclaims, ‘Those men are going on a Missoura’Boat Ride.’ So its use in David’s parlance means that some events will happen outside his control.

The day started well with the Leyland Beaver leaving Bradford-on-Avon at 0445 hours and arriving at Sutton Scotney Services on the A34 at 0630 hours where David stops to buy a paper. Whilst walking across the forecourt David was in close proximity with two older Lorry Drivers and David said to one of them, ‘Driving this Leyland Beaver has made me a little deaf.’ The old Lorry Driver shook his head, ‘Sorry, I’m a bit Mutt n’ Jeff, too many hours in noisy old wagons.’

Over the years David has built up a number of favourite routes which are unused by the general public, often unclassified roads that are wide with an excellent surface, occasionally originally based on Roman Roads. One such road links Winchester to the A32 and goes via Molestead and enables the Leyland Beaver to travel the shortest route between Wiltshire and Havant. David arrived outside the Funeral Directors at 0815 hours just as the Lady who lives in the bungalow next to the Funeral Directors was about to depart for work. She said, ‘The Funeral Staff won’t be in for another 45 minutes, do you want me to go back into the house and make you a cup of tea?’ David held up his flask and declined the kind offer but thanked the Lady for her kindest.

It was a McMillan Cancer Open Day at the Funeral Directors and each member of staff had prepared cupcakes and cheesecakes. David reluctantly tried a cupcake and then did a poor impersonation of Paul Hollywood from the Great British Bake Off.

The flowers were supposed to be at the Funeral Directors for 0900 hours, however, when no Floral Tributes had arrived by 1000 hours David phoned the Florist. She was concerned that the cards from the Family had not arrived yet and wasn’t keen to release the flowers. David tactfully explained that it could take 90 minutes for him to secure the flowers and he needed them within 30 minutes, stressing that the cards could be attached to the Tributes at the house, which is the normal practice.

David was relieved when the Florist’s van pulled into the car park. The driver was a lovely German lady called Genia and she helped David put the ‘GRANDAD’ onto its stand. However, David’s heart dropped when he saw that ‘MO’ was 36 inches long and not 23 inches that he had estimated and he quickly evaluated what needed to be changed and the impact on the rest of the display. As the Deceased had in his youth had delivered Fruit & Veg in Lincolnshire, David arranged for S.K. Fruits in Trowbridge to supply a fruit-box that was the centrepiece of the display. The agreed layout with the Family featured 2 ‘Polo Rings’ either side of the fruit-box and David fixed one which Genia had brought with her one the first run whilst she went back for the second load.

When Genia came back with the rest of the flowers, David then assessed what he saw and said, ‘The second ‘Polo Ring’ is missing!’ Genia rang her boss and told David that there was only one ‘Polo Ring’, the order had been changed to a Posey. David was upset that the display had been ruined as it was paramount that both Tributes either side of the fruit-box should be the same to provide symmetry. Genia understood and she suggested taking down the ‘Polo Ring’ that was already fixed in place and use two Poseys which were similar in size. 

At the house The Family were amazed at the display and David thought that despite his ‘Missoura Boat Ride’ he appeared to land safely. At the Crematorium after the service a lot of people thanked David for all his efforts in making the day so memorable. Just before the Head Mourners were about to get into the limousine they approached David in a line and bowed a bit like a Band thanking an audience at the end of a concert. Each one then came forward to shake David’s hand and the eldest Daughter asked David if he would be attending the wake. David explained that as he started at   0445 hours, under Drivers Hours Legislation, he had to be home by 1945 hours, and reluctantly he couldn’t attend. The younger Daughter said that she had a spare bed in her house which David was welcome to use. Both ladies were sad that David decided to go straight home, however, David knew he had to prepare for his next funeral which was early the following week. As David pulled away from the crowd someone came running after him and an athletic young man handed some money to David saying, ‘This is from the Family.’ David put his right hand in front of his wing mirror to say ‘Thank You’ and then put his side lights on and off twice, the code that Lorry Drivers used in the 1950s to say thank you.

Getting home wasn’t easy because David’s Wife, who acts as Mission Control, advised that an accident had stopped the traffic on the A34 and the queue was stacking back to the M3 junction. There was only one solution, which was to go through Winchester. In this modern era people have smart phones with many apps. However, David only uses his mobile for calling, he can read texts but can’t send them. Some people these days have Tablets, but the only Tablets that David is interested in are flat Floral Tributes that he secures at an angle and the anti-inflammatory tablets he takes to reduce the aching in his arms. David’s Sat Nav is the back of an envelope with road numbers and Landmarks observed when David is doing his due diligence, checking the route on Google Street View. David’s Wife knew that David would have no plan in his head to get through Winchester so she gave him specific instructions and the landmarks to watch out for. David got through Winchester without a problem and found a suitable place to stop to phone a Cardiff Funeral Director at 1600 hours. The Funeral Arranger asked when David would be home so that the Funeral Director could call him on his mobile. David said, ‘If all goes well, home is about 2 hours ride from here, so please ask him to phone me at 1800 hours.’

David reversed the 1950 Leyland Beaver up his drive and into his garage. He had just pulled the stop cable on the 600 engine, creating a silence, when his mobile rang at 1800 hours. It was Cardiff Funeral Director and it was on with his next job once he had emailed the pictures he had taken during the day to the Havant Family.

A Temple Cloud Funeral

Vintage Lorry Funerals second assignment for Thomas Davis Funeral Directors in Bristol involved visiting the Deceased’s home in Temple Cloud and then St. Michaels & All Angels Church in Bedminster before going to South Bristol Crematorium. As Temple Cloud is 12 miles south of Thomas Davis’ Southville base, Austin Williams, Funeral Director, asked David Hall to find a suitable transhipment facility on the A37 where the coffin and the flowers could be transferred onto the 1950 Leyland Beaver lorry.

David managed to secure the permission to undertake the operation within the car park of the Warwick Arms which is little used in the early morning on a Monday in October. Austin told David that the flowers would only involve a Coffin Spray, however, the Florist would be Eileen’s of West Street Bedminster. Austin’s concerns at this early stage were whether the vintage lorry would manage to get to the Church in Windmill Hill, an area in Bristol with narrow streets, renowned for their parking problems. The only way into Windmill Hill is under a Railway Bridge and these rows of terraced streets are isolated from the rest of Bristol creating a unique culture in which residents believe they are a law unto themselves. Residents believe that they have a right to park their car in front of their house or flat and the situation is exasperated when a large funeral takes place in St. Michaels & All Angels Church, which is opposite Windmill Hill Community Centre. When it comes to parking cars before a funeral, vehicles are deposited anywhere particularly on corners with driver oblivious to the double yellow lines. Thomas Davis had previously encountered problems with their hearse struggling to get to the church so logically the 26 foot long lorry would experience horrendous difficulties. David undertook a risk assessment and identified a route targeting wider streets with houses only on one side which would lead to approaching St. Michaels & All Angels Church on level ground.

David phoned Eileen’s Florists and spoke to Carol who had not yet heard from the Family, however, David used the opportunity to explain how the Coffin Spray would be secured. Carol explained that the shop had no internet facility but she promised to phone David as soon as any orders were placed. David rang Austin on the Wednesday and told him that he needed information on the flowers as soon as possible even if it was just a Coffin Spray. David’s wife received a call from Carol on the Thursday morning to advise that David would have to plan to load, two 3 feet long Designer Boards, a Swinging Heart, a 17 inch Heart, a Polo Ring and a Bundle of Leeks which the Family had asked to be held vertically. Carol was also adamant that her flowers should be carried flat on the deck as she didn’t want her flowers damaged!

When David got back home he was amazed at the number of Tributes for a ‘Coffin Spray only’ funeral and was concerned that if the flowers were laid flat on the deck they would be damaged and the only way that the flowers would not be damaged would be by fixing them to boards held at an angle, displaying the Floral Tributes for all to see. David put the problem to Austin Williams who spoke to the Family and reported that they would trust David’s judgement. So David phoned Carol to convince her that his strategy and tactics for securing Floral Tributes would not damage the flowers. A Florist without internet facilities is like Fish without Chips in 1950’s vernacular or Ant without Dec in today’s parlance. Without the facility to send a picture David would have to explain what he was proposing over the phone. Many years ago David worked for Gerald Ronson who used to encourage Junior Management to identify their biggest problem, be persistent in tackling it and this would create their biggest opportunity and so this proved with Carol.

David normally tells people what he does but he doesn’t reveal how he does it, however, he had to break this rule for Carol. Once she understood that David would use plastic fasteners to secure the flowers Carol was relaxed and told David the colours of each Tribute so that he could allocate the fastener in his collection of the right colour to match each flower arrangement.

Normally David would design a layout, sketch it and email it to the Family for approval, however, by noon on Friday it was time for action not planning and thinking. Carol explained that as the Deceased was Welsh she had been tasked to provide a bundle of leeks and David said that if she was struggling he would ask his friends at SK Fruits Trowbridge to help. Designing on the hoof David quickly determined that the two Designer Boards, ‘GRANCHA’ and ‘AS 1’, should be loaded together and he saw a way of creating the rear of a car with ‘GRANCHA’ forming the rear window and ‘AS 1’ being the number-plate on the boot. The remaining Floral Tributes were given individual positions on 4 sides of a pyramidal structure at the rear of the deck, with the Bundle of Leeks, held vertically, facing the Family following in the limousine.

David left home early on the Monday morning passing through Somerset villages whilst most people were still in their beds. This strategy is ideal for the narrow streets in Norton St. Philip, the site of the Pitchfork Rebellion on June 26^th & 27^th 1685. The transhipment of the coffin and flowers worked well with Thomas Davis employees handing Tributes up to David who secured each one onto its stand whilst rain fell steadily. As soon as the coffin was loaded the rainfall subsided which is normally the case.

As the vintage lorry followed the empty hearse towards Windmill Hill Austin Williams asked David, ‘Are you confident you can get to the church?’ David confirmed that he didn’t feel there would be a problem that he couldn’t overcome, however, he knew that Austin probably had the hearse in front as Plan B. The Leyland Beaver passed under the Railway bridge, climbed Windmill Hill and took a right into Alfred Road as David’s research had suggested that there would be less cars on this route rather than the more direct way to the Church using Gwilliam Street. As the lorry turned left into Somerset Terrace David saw that people had left cars in a hurry to get to the service, leaving them at an angle to the kerb. The hearse in front slowed down at a narrow gap and David knew that with his lorry being over 12 inches wider than a hearse then this gap would be extremely tight. David asked Austin to put his head out of the window to check the clearance on his side which was less than an inch and he said, ‘Dave you’re clear on this side, I’m confident you’ll make the church.’ Austin is a big man with immense presence, just the sort of bloke to give a half time talk at Ashton Gate after a mediocre first half display by the Robins. At the junction with Orwell Street cars had been dumped on double yellow lines on both side of the road on corner which made it extremely difficult for the hearse in front to get around. David realised that he couldn’t get around the corner in one movement, put in one shunt, wrestling with the steering wheel changing the lock as quickly as possible. Miraculously the vintage lorry cleared the cars and descended to the clear area outside St. Michaels & All Angels Church, which David likened to man dying of thirst finding an oasis in the desert.

David got out of the Leyland Beaver, shook the Vicar’s hand and asked, ‘Is this St. Michaels & All Angels, or is it St. Michaels & Cars at All Angles?’ The Vicar smiled as he urged drivers to park on his lawn to escape the gridlock. Surveying a sea of cars around him David said to the Vicar, ‘In the Good Book a bloke called Moses hit his stick on a rock and caused the Red Sea to part, creating a path to safety. Could you tap your staff on the path and create a path through these cars?’ The Vicar explained which cars were associated with the funeral and predicted that Gwilliam Street would provide the best exit.

After the service the Vicar admired the Leyland Beaver and asked if he could ride alongside David to South Bristol Crematorium. However, David didn’t think it was wise to put Austin out, as David was always taught that the Paymaster is the Saymaster.

Interesting People in the Cab

Over the years David Hall has had some interesting people travelling with him in the cab, or riding shot-gun to use a transport vernacular phrase.

During a funeral in Birkenhead, Merseyside, David Hall witnessed both the good and bad sides of the ‘scouse’ culture. Travelling through one of the less affluent parts of Birkenhead at night David saw a group of people gathered on a street corner after a fight had developed. David was flabbergasted when he realised it was two women trading punches and what is more, men, not intervening, but egging them on and holding their handbags.

Sadly swearing is commonplace in modern day culture where in some circles it can be called Industrial Language to give it some form of respectability. Most people realise that decorum necessitates no swearing at funerals, however, on this day in Birkenhead decorum disappeared with expletives being every other word emitting from most people’s mouths. When David was asked to take the Deceased’s Grandson with him in the cab David dreaded the worst.

From the outset the young man, probably in his late teens, spoke quietly and never swore. To break the silence David asked him, ‘What do you do for a living?’ The young man replied ‘I’m just getting re-established. I have just got out of prison.’ David replied ‘Oh,’ and said nothing further on the subject and encouraged the youth to watch him double-de-clutch when changing gear just as his Grandad had done in the 1950s. As time went on David wondered why such a mild mannered young man should ever have ended up in prison. However, just before the Church the Leyland Beaver’s progress was halted by a Refuse Collection vehicle whose staff, collecting the bins, were slow in alerting the driver to the problem. The young man became visibly upset and the veins on his temple were protruding and throbbing. He shouted obscenities at the men and started to climb out of the cab to resolve the situation with violence. David grabbed him and begged him to remain in the cab and let David sort the situation by persuasion. By this time the Refuse Collection vehicle had pulled to one side and David put the Beaver into 3^rd gear and gently overtook. The volatile situation with the young man quickly evaporated much faster than it had emerged.

As the cortege passed a Police Station David said, ‘Keep your head down,’ and the young man smiled. When the Leyland Beaver came to a halt at the graveside, the young man said, ‘Mr. Hall it has been a privilege to travel with you today and I would like to thank you on behalf of our family for everything you have done to make this day so special’ He then asked David if he would not mind him taking a photograph of David wearing his beret and requested that he could use this picture on social media. Before he left the cab he put his right hand forward to shake David’s hand. There were no high fives, no man hugs just a simple hand shake 1950’s style. David thought that The Animals ‘Don’t let me be misunderstood’ was appropriate for this young man.

When booking the Leyland Beaver for a funeral in Pencoed, Wales, the Funeral Director asked if the Deceased’s eldest Daughter could travel in the cab with David. Getting into the 1950 lorry is not easy. Modern lorries have three short steps, however, getting into the Leyland Beaver involves a short stretch onto the axle hub and then a giant leap onto the step above the wing. David explained to the Funeral Director that it was like Armstrong landing on the moon. To protect a lady’s dignity David normally suggests trousers, however, some ladies are rather petit and don’t have enough strength in their arms to pull themselves into the cab. For these situations David has modified the pull out ladder, which he uses to get up onto the deck, so that it can have a second use facilitating females to get into the cab.

When David arrived at the house he was introduced to Linda Mckay a spritely 62 year old who had no problem getting into the cab without the help of the ladder. When the Leyland Beaver engine fired up Linda started to smile and said that the sounds and smells of the 1950 lorry brought back memories of her childhood. She particularly remembered the loud sound of the engine and hiding beneath ropes in the foot-well, out of sight, when her Dad was loading at The Abbey Steelworks in Port Talbot. David told Linda about his first ride in a 1950 Leyland Beaver in August 1958 when on a trip to Hawick with a Livestock Driver he could only speak to the Driver when the lorry was going down hill and the roar of the engine had subsided. As a young 5 year old David thought on the journey to Hawick that the soft material beneath his feet was a carpet, however, it turned out to be the Driver’s sheep dog snuggling in the foot-well, warmed by the heat from the engine.

In the cemetery Linda was keen to give David her email address, however, as she was leaning on the boot of the Funeral Director’s limousine, the car took off leaving Linda stranded in the cemetery. However, she wasn’t worried as someone would turn up for her and sure enough someone did. Before she got into the car she complimented David on getting his lorry into some tight gateways at the Church and Cemetery and whilst people watching on the ground didn’t think he would make the manoeuvre, she was confident in the amazing lock of the Leyland Beaver and David’s ability to move the steering wheel quickly through his hands.

David’s Wife never normally accompanies him on funerals as her main role is acting as Mission Control. This involves undertaking detailed research to identify potential traffic problems and the most appropriate place to refuel as derv prices vary dramatically from garage to garage with no apparent logic. David’s Daughter lives in Cardiff so when an early morning funeral in Cardiff necessitated travelling the day before, his wife decided to come with him.

David’s Wife was amazed at being able to look over hedgerows and seeing wildlife in the fields, however, the bumpy ride necessitated a comfort stop at Aust Services. On the Old Severn Bridge there was only one lane open and the cars in front of the Leyland Beaver quickly disappeared from view and the road ahead was clear for as far as your eye could see. David’s Wife asked, ‘Where have all the cars gone?’ David replied, ‘Look in your wing mirror, they are all trapped behind us.’ When the lane restriction ended David steered the vintage lorry into the first lane and cars sped past, like a squadron of Messerschmitt 109’s attacking a lumbering Lancaster Bomber.

The lorry was parked at the Funeral Director’s garage and one of the staff kindly gave David’s Wife a lift to his Daughter’s flat. David spent the night in Splott, his Wife and Daughter slept in Penylan. The following day David’s Wife made a Taxi Driver smile, when, carrying her suitcase, she asked to go to Thornhill Crematorium. The Taxi Driver said, ‘Normally people don’t go there for their holidays!’ David had arranged to meet his wife after the service, however, she got some strange looks striding up the main roadway with her suitcase in her hand. One of the Crematorium Staff kindly conducted David to a quiet spot so that he and his Wife could have their sandwiches out of sight of the public. Nottingham is a regular destination for the vintage lorry and David’s Wife’s Sister lives just outside the city, however, David’s Wife has turned down every opportunity so far. Three hours maximum is the time she can tolerate in the lorry and the lack of suitable toilet facilities at regular intervals on the old A-Roads is also a problem